A mom-of-three has spoken out about the terrifying intrusive thoughts that left her convinced she was a danger to others before doctors diagnosed her with postnatal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Lauren Carrigher, 35, said her symptoms began just weeks after giving birth to her daughter in January 2024, when she suddenly started experiencing panic attacks, chest pains, and disturbing thoughts she could not control.
“It is so intense and so awful, you don’t know what to believe,” Lauren said. “Your brain is telling you you’re this vile, nasty person, it’s so debilitating.”
Intrusive Thoughts Became ‘Living Hell’
Lauren explained that she became overwhelmed by fears she might harm her baby while doing everyday tasks like changing diapers.
“I’d have thoughts about what if I inappropriately touched my baby while changing diapers,” she said. “It was so debilitating. I thought, ‘Why am I thinking this? Only pedophiles think this.’”
She said the intrusive thoughts became so intense that she convinced herself she was a “horrible person” and even considered calling the police on herself despite never acting on any of the thoughts.
“I honestly believed for about six months that I was a pedophile and that I needed to go to jail,” Lauren admitted. “I felt like I needed to call the police on myself.”
The Essex mom also feared she might hurt family members or even jump from a window, leading her to lock windows and hide knives around the house.
“I had to lock all the windows upstairs because I thought I was going to jump out the windows,” she recalled. “I didn’t want to commit suicide but my brain said ‘what if you jumped out of the window?’”
Mental Health Crisis Led to Hospital Stay
As her condition worsened, Lauren struggled to leave the house and suffered severe panic attacks during school runs.
“I had to try and act normal around them and ignore what was in my head but it was so hard,” she said. “Doing the school run was extremely hard.”
She described one moment where she attempted to push through her fears but became overwhelmed with panic.
“There was one time I thought, ‘No, I know I’m not a pedophile, I’m going to do the school run,’” Lauren explained. “When the school doors opened, I had a massive panic and anxiety attack. I was a heap on the floor crying my eyes out.”
She eventually spent three months in a mental health unit after reaching what she described as the “peak” of her breakdown.
“All night I sat up, that was the peak for me, and my brain was planning a murder,” she said. “It was saying, ‘there’s knives in the drawer, they’re vulnerable, what if I strangled them or stabbed them?’”
Doctors later diagnosed her with postnatal OCD, a condition that can involve distressing intrusive thoughts and extreme anxiety.
Recovery Through Therapy and Treatment
Lauren said receiving the diagnosis brought huge relief because she finally understood what was happening to her.
“The diagnosis made me feel over the moon because I finally knew what was wrong,” she explained.
She has since undergone therapy and started medication, which she says helped her regain control of her life.
“It’s the most horrendous living hell for so long but now I’ve got my life back and you can recover,” Lauren said.
She explained that the intrusive thoughts have now significantly reduced and that she rarely experiences panic attacks anymore.
“I couldn’t tell you the last time I had an anxiety or panic attack, they’ve completely stopped,” she added. “I have the odd thought but nowhere near as intrusive as what it was.”
Raising Awareness About OCD
Despite receiving criticism online, Lauren says she decided to share her story to help others understand that intrusive thoughts linked to OCD do not define someone’s character.
“I’m speaking about it so people know you’re not some horrible, vile person and it doesn’t define you as a person,” she said. “It’s a mental health disorder.”
She hopes her experience will encourage more people struggling with similar symptoms to seek support and realize they are not alone.
